


"Junkrat, you really need to get laid"

by Normal_Ghost



Series: Junkrat, you really need to get laid [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Explicit Language, Fun, Junkrat | Jamison Fawkes is a Little Shit, Slice of Life, meta shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 08:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9063343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Normal_Ghost/pseuds/Normal_Ghost
Summary: After a snide remark from Sombra, Junkrat discusses his options with his mate, Roadhog.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a little older, really self-indulgent, doesn't really go anywhere, and honestly is pretty poorly written.
> 
> However I think the last two are hillarious so have fun if you wanna read

“AaaaaAAAAGH! Roadhog! You’ll never believe the garbage that that new sheila said to me on mission today!” Junkrat yelled as he burst into the two’s compound, throwing his non-combustive equipment to the floor. 

“Roadhog! Roadhog where are you, ya mug? You’ll never believe-” he started again, tearing through the rooms.

“I’m in the workshop!” Roadhog yelled, already infuriated with the arrival of his partner. 

“Oh. Sorry mate” Junkrat said as he headed to the back, “You’ll never bel-”

“What did Sombra say to you?” he asked, more interested in shutting Junkrat up than hearing him repeat himself one more fucking time. Roadhog was sitting at his side of the workshop, carefully removing all of the twisted shards of crushed metal from his mechanical equipment. It was a time consuming process, and Roadhog was hoping that Junkrat wouldn’t be joining him for too much of it. Roadhog wasn’t optimistic.

“ _ WELL _ ,” Junkrat started, throwing his grenade launcher onto a table with worrying cavalierness, “So I’m waiting for the game to start, and that bird seems to be pretty miffed about waiting too. I hadn’t introduced myself to her, and I had just improved me launcher, so I thought I’d strike up a conversation. So I’m goin’ over how this one was a corker compared to the other chumps’ guns, and all the interlocking mechanical bits, and the new-”

Roadhog cleared his throat, hoping to move the story forwards.

“Right, so I look back at her, hoping as she’s the techie sort she’d find some appreciation in my uncharacteristically open conversation, and all the dog does is laugh, and says that I really need to get laid, before throwing some junk and disappearing! The whole team just laughed at me!”

Roadhog only snorted amusedly. 

“What, are you having a laugh at this, mate?” Junkrat asked, unamused by his friend’s delight in his own embarrassment, “Even the archery bloke chuckled, and he has a worse sense of humor than you.” Junkrat mumbled as he took the heavy RIP-tire off of his back to settle down.

“You do need to get laid,” Roadhog commented.

“What? I mean, I’m not disagreeing with ya, but what am I supposed to do?” he said, flopping onto a stool, “The only mob we see are these same twenty whackers we go on these missions with, and it’s not like they’re all hooking up.” Roadhog looked up at his friend, seriously wondering if he believed that.

“I mean, you’re right, but none of them with us,” Junkrat grumbled.

“Speak for yourself,” Roadhog said flatly.

“Wait, what? Really? Since when?” Junkrat asked, curiosity piqued, “Which one was it?”

“None of your damn buisness” Roadhog growled as he stabbed his pick deeper into the gun.

“Oi, alright mate I won’t push,” Junkrat said, then sighed, “But who in the hell am I supposed to get with here? It’s not like all of them are dogs, but, well, hmm...” Junkrat got up from his chair, then dug around in his work desk for a bit, eventually pulling out a crumpled list of all of the current heroes.

“Let’s see, Tracer’s not bad for a pommy, and her little ass in those tights, hmm” Junkrat started as he leered at her picture.

“She’s the one with the girlfriend,” Roadhog said flatly, still working on his machine.

“Right,” Junkrat replied somewhat disappointed, “She’s annoying anyways, her voice can get on my nerves, geez.”

“I couldn’t imagine.”

“You’d think someone'd be a little less cheerful after being trapped in another dimension and failing to save that scrap-pope. At least her failure did us all a favor. Who else,” Junkrat mumbled as he looked back at his list, flopping back down on his chair, “Sombra’s a bitch, and Pharah’s mad as a cut snake most of the time. You think they’d hire more blokes with humor like us, eh Roadhog?” Roadhog didn’t look up from his work.

“Who else, well there’s Mei. She seems pretty cute, and I bet she’d look great out of that coat. And even past that, with her cute little glasses, and her hair always in that little bun--oh you know I’m weak for the little nerdy ones.”

“There you go, go after Mei then,” Roadhog said, attempting to distract his partner in any direction away from himself. 

“Nah, she’s an ice queen," Junkrat glumly replied, "I don’t think she likes me much. Probably queer too, now that I think about it.”

“That’s probably it,” Roadhog grumbled sarcastically.

“I mean, she’s not really, really my type anyways. It’d never work. Who else- ahA! Here we go- Widowmaker. Now that’s a woman, hooly doodily. It’s hard not to crack a fat when I see her on the map. Yeah she’s blue, for, whatever reason, but whether you’re looking at the front of her or the back, mmm mmm...” Junkrat went on. Roadhog said nothing, and only looked up from his work to judge Junkrat. 

“Yeah, but there’s prolly a lot of competition on that one. Best not start with the top and have nothing to look forward to, heh?” Junkrat nervously chuckled as he looked back at his list, “Blah blah blah, D.va’s nice, but so full of herself. I can’t stand chicks that think everything’s about them. That and I think I’ve blown up her mech one too many times and she said she’d kill me with her bare hands the next time she saw me-- Ooo, I could get into that russian chick. What’da think Roadhog, I best her at an armwrestling contest and I sweep her off her feet?” Again, Roadhog didn’t say anything, but look up from his work.

“I could take her! You think this RIP-tire’s made of styrofoam? Or, or me mines and traps are made of plastic?” He asked defensively, “I could! I may not look like much, but I’m wirery. There’s no fat on these guns, just-”

“Just gristle and hot air. You can’t take her.”

“Bah, we can’t all be built like a mallee bull like you. Who else is left- Ana’s old enough to be me mum, no thank you. Ah, Mercy, now she’s a looker- gives me the willies for some reason though. You’d think I’d be more open to a sheila that dresses like a prostitute for the holidays, but I heard about what happened to Reaper, no thanks mate. I may not be right in the head but at least I fully kill the people that disagree with me. Well, most of the time. I make the effort, but you know how it is, when you’re in a rush-”

“So no Dr. Zeigler then.”

“Is that her name? Then I guess no. Who else, bah--that figjam ‘Symmetra’,” Junkrat mocked, “Now that’s a bloke that’ll talk your ear off. Say what you what about me, at least my earbashing isn’t always a load of shit. ‘Order this, illusion that’, last I checked Lucio don’t even like her, and he’s friends with the scrapheaps. And, and well, oh. That’s it. There ain’t no more contenders in this heap...”

“You’re not into men?” Roadhog asked, genuinely. 

“Well, nah I guess I haven’t really thought about it before,” Junkrat puzzled, “I mean, I guess I’ve never been with a bloke, but none of these boys are really, doin’ it for me”

“You’d know better than anyone else” Roadhog sighed as he got up from his chair. He had finally finished cleaning and tuning up his gun, and he’d certainly heard enough of Junkrat for the day.

“Wait mate, who do I go for? There’s nothing I’d love more than to shoot me used franger at Sombra next meet, just for being such a bounce,” Junkrat said, making the motion of stretching a large rubber band to shoot at Roadhog. Roadhog sighed, exasperatedly. 

“It doesn’t matter. Go after the one that’s most like the girl you fucked last, ok?” he said as he put away his toolkit.

“Uh, hehe, well,” Junkrat laughed sheepishly, “yeah, I’ll be sure to do that one mate...”

“Fine. Now don’t fucking talk to me until our next job, got it?” Roadhog snarled from the doorway as he walked towards his bunk.

“Yeah, the last shiela I fucked,” Junkrat mumbled to himself, “Hooly doodilly, I really do need to get laid.”


End file.
